When it rains, it pours. I'm really not one to complain; I usually try to find the silver lining in every situation. I feel like recently I've been hit with one thing after another and I can barely hold my head above water. As a blogger, writer, artist, what have you - it will probably help me to get everything out there, so that is what I intend to do. Right now.
I think I posted before about my concurrent and ongoing health issues that start back in August. I have had every test under the sun in the past 5-6 months, from blood tests to ultrasounds to MRIs. The stress of the unknown didn't help any.
Then, around Thanksgiving, a very dear friend of ours was diagnosed with Stage 3A Colon Cancer, not to mention my grandmother's recent diagnosis of Uterine and Colon cancers. You just never think of a thirty-year-old fit and healthy guy as even having the possibility of getting sick. For those wondering - David is doing well right now; he is on his six week break from chemotherapy and radiation until his surgery in April, where they will will remove his whole large intestine and rectum. He is in good spirits for now and has a wonderful support system built of family and friends standing by his side!
I thought I had caught a break on January 1st when my symptoms finally stopped.
Could I be so lucky? 2013 seemed to have brought me some relief and hope for a better year. That all changed when I got the phone call from my doctor on January 4th, giving me my diagnosis. I am not quite ready to share so publicly what that is just yet - I have known for a little over a month now and I seem to learn something new about it every day, and it's never an easy pill to swallow. I don't want to worry anybody though, so know that it is not life-threatening as this point. It is something physically wrong with my body and has to do with my central nervous system. It's not a mental illness, but the easiest way for me to describe it at the moment while keeping this to private is to relate it to dementia - it starts out slow, but there is no cure. I can change things about my life and get on controller medicines to help with some of the symptoms, but it will progress. Hopefully it does so at the slowest rate possible. It has definitely been life-altering; it crushed a previous dream of mine, one that I am really struggling to let go of.
And then there was Natalie's accident on the 8th. Oh goodness. I feel like every time I think of her or see her picture (which is multiple times daily) it hits me all over again.
Did this really happen? Is she really gone? A random picture of her will resurface on Facebook, most of them bringing me to smile from ear to ear and even laugh out loud - if you knew Natalie, you know that this is no surprise. She made people laugh, that's just what she did, what she has always done. She made people feel better. She brightened up every room she walked in. She included everybody. She loved everybody. Everybody loved her. Everybody
loves her. I see that smile - you know the one, where you can see and feel how genuinely happy she is - and her infectious energy surrounds me. It's bittersweet, really. I feel such great joy seeing that smile, and I think to myself,
This is Natalie's way of comforting me, with that incredible smile and the memories she left behind... Then I feel overwhelming grief as those last words replay in my mind..
She left behind, she left behind... She left. She is gone. I know it, I saw her. I couldn't feel her awesome energy when I said my last goodbyes to her. She wasn't there. Maybe the immediate comfort I feel whenever seeing her picture really is her shining through, her way of telling me to please not be sad for her, that she is having a blast up in Heaven with all of our other friends that are up there. She's probably kicking Tommy's butt up and down the basketball court, maybe even playing lacrosse with Cameran. I am sure she is so glad to be with Merrill again.
Amidst all of this, I still have to carry on. I have two wonderful munchkins that depend on me, I don't want to let them down. As many of you know, we have been struggling to reach Delilah's developmental milestones, and that has also been weighing heavily on my mind. She is about a year behind in her speech development. We had her hearing test, and while she has some hearing loss in her left ear, it is not enough to constitute as "hearing impaired," which leaves me thinking maybe it's cognitive. They say most children are ready to potty train between 22 and 30 months (with girls being even sooner than boys); Lila is about 31 months now, and has absolutely no interest in potty training and has a full diaper every morning. I know she is still young and I'm probably nitpicking (heck, KP wasn't potty trained until 33 months - but he's a boy), but every little thing with her now worries me. My anxiety doesn't help this.
So, as for the lemons.. They say "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I really just don't know how to make lemonade right now. I know I am blessed in so many ways, and there are people out there that have it
far worse than I, it's just hard to see all that through the muck. Bear with me; I'll get there.
